me: what are you up to?

me: nothing. why?

me: just curious. so.. have anything you want to do?

me: hmm..lot’s.

me: what?

me: hm.. i want to work. i want to have a job.. be a photographer.. or a visual artist. but just laylow work.

me: ahh.. why don’t you apply for a work?

me: i do. i just don’t get hired.

me: why?

me: i dunno. i guess i’m not THAT agressive towards getting one.

me: hmm.. why? do you have other plans?

me: er.. i dunno. i don’t feel like working maybe.. plans? i don’t have other plans..other than getting my passport, that i can’t have yet because i don’t have any valid id anymore.

me: ahh..why is that so?

me: i don’t know.

me: why don’t you know?

me: i just don’t..bout you? why don’t you know?

me: i can’t give you anything i don’t have. the answers are not here in my pockets.

~end of conversation~

[link]

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still not any good.
still not doing anything better.
still just the same as yesterday..
only a little worse.

[link]

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stuffy eyes and late night DVD marathon,
priceless.

hm..
how would i work if don't know yet what to work for?

my mom's pressuring me to work.
okay. no foul on that since i have graduated college anyway..
its just that, i still don't feel like i MUST work..
i feel like i've STILL GOT TO LEARN.
(yes, learning is not only from the cradle of one's school..
but i'm still not ready to let go of schooling..T^T)

I know I'm not ready to face the world of job and adult responsibilities.
There are lots of things I'm totally not ready for.
There are things that i regret doing.
Those things were the main reason why i am here, being forced to have a job.


hay..
how easy was it for them to say that "its just looking for a job"?
how easy was it for them to say that "its just thesis"?
how easy was it for them not to consider my decisions then,
lest push me harder to a league i am not ready to embark,
then getting upset about me not having a job..
nor looking for a job?

everyone seems to think that its just an easy task..
it ain't as easy as said.
i want to decide on things..
to have everything at will before taking them a notch higher..
i want to decide for me.. and i'd want that to REALLY, TOTALLY start.. NOW.

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with all honesty,
i dread my senior year at college.
yes, lots of happy things happened.
i've met great people who've helped me through the hardships.
i;ve learned lots of things..
i've been up and down in a roller coaster of emotions.
but, when i've thought i'd rather give up and have a safer route to take..
my parents told me NO..and thus, my decisions then were ultimately disregarded.
i did it somehow..but..
now, i m paying the price of letting my dear parents interfere on my very future.
now, i am to look for a job. to look for my future when i am still a kid in my own world.
to look for it when i myself is on a river of stones and predicaments.
to look for my future on my own coz my parents are certain that they can't look for what is at stake for me coz i am to make that for myself..

-----------------------

what should i do?
i'm totally lost.
i've totally not cheered up since after my thesis..
what should i do?
what should i do???

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This may seem like gibberish to you, but I think I'm in a tragedy."
~Harold Crick, Stranger than Fiction